Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
20 entries this month
10:21 Oct 31 2008
Times Read: 980
Last night we were offered the possibility to go to Virginia by my best friend that I haven't gotten the chance to meet yet. It would only be a hope, skip, and a jump from there to Brett's dad's house. We called him, his step-mom, and one of his sisters to let them know the news. Oh course I was excited, scared, and terrified to the point of shaking but could barely think. LOL! So what did I do? I concentrated on trying to make this happen. We found a message on the answering machine that we can't. Caitie couldn't go so Brett's going to let him family know when he gets home from work. It's okay. We're not upset. I will get him up there to see his family though!
It can't be in November or December because of his job hours. But I'm thinking in January, depending on the weather, we're going. I'm tired of it getting to him that I haven't met any of his family.
True, I honestly don't want to. But I can't help that. I never liked meeting new people and hell, that's what his family is. I do want to meet them though because they're HIS family. I don't know if he knows that though. I've tried telling him.
But beginning of next year, we will be going. It will probably only be for the weekend but we will go. I will make it happen somehow!
:-)
Back Problems?
10:19 Oct 30 2008
Times Read: 988
Yesterday I didn't go to my psychical therapy. Instead I just went to my doctor's appointment and came home. I found out what the x-rays of my back showed. I didn't break my back or crack the spine or anything when I fell... I bruised my back though which is going to take a long time to recover...
But I found out something...
I have a GAP in my spine! It's not big enough for them to do anything about it but he's sending me for psychical therapy to see if it helps me out with the pain I've been having.
I talked to my mom about it. If there is a gap in my spine, it could explain why my legs are getting weak and giving out. There may be nothing there and the nerves needed just may not exist.
This is also why I've been having trouble in lifting Aurora! At least I know that much now.
After the therapy sessions, if there are no changes, he's going to send me to get an MRI done of my back.
All I can say is I hope the PT works!
Let's Talk About Sex
10:33 Oct 29 2008
Times Read: 997
Last night I broke down on Brett. It started out talking about sex, then that led to one of the things to do on the list of things to do instead of cutting and talking about how he originally poked fun at it, and in return it brought up the past. I feel like crap this morning. I admitted a lot to him last night. I don't even know what he thinks about it all...
I admitted that after sex, I've been going somewhere, usually the bathroom and just crying my eyes out because I feel like I've used him.
I admitted that I don't see the problem and then it's there when I realize "Oh my god! I just screamed at you because of not getting enough sex by my terms! I'm so sorry!" Not only that but when I hold it against him for not being able to "recharge" quick enough.
I admitted that I think my therapist is right and this whole thing probably has a lot to do with what's happened in the past.
I admitted that I'm tempted to tell him to record one of our conversations on sex to play back to Nancy, my therapist, so she can honestly see what's being said and what's going on... But then I'm scared I'm going to shut up completely because I'm terrified a little button is going to be pushed.
I admitted that I need the help because even when I want sex, half of the time I'm not enjoying it anymore.
I told him details about a few incidents in my past. Even then I became angry at myself for stuttering and not being able to control my breathing.
I was raised thinking sex is something you keep in the bedroom. It's something that's dirty and should never be mentioned. It's something that is your duty as a wife, girlfriend, fiancé, etc. and not something you're supposed to enjoy. If you do, great! But don't tell anyone, including your partner because they'll treat you like a piece of meat for the rest of your relationship!
It is society's standards that a MEN or BOYS are supposed to think about sex 24/7. Not me! Not a WOMAN! If you do, you're a slut, a whore, you're condemned, you're a lot of things...
Why am I different? I've had friends with similar pasts to mine... but not a one of them have the appetite for sex that I do. Everyone else I know that has gone through something similar are disgusted with sex. Why can't I be that way?
I feel so pathetic. I just want to change. I want to be able to not obsess over sex. I want to stop looking up porn because I feel almost compelled to. I want to stop masturbating as much and feeling almost possessed as I do. I want to start enjoying sex with Brett again and not scream at him or get into a fight about sex when he tells me no.
My zip lock bags are at:
Sex with Brett: 3
Masturbating: 9
Sad thing is... it's been three nights. I've begged for sex on different occasions and turned him down because I've tried to correct myself.
Want to know why this is a problem? I've caught myself begging or even bribing for sex.
I asked Brett during our talk last night how many times I honestly mention sex in our conversations throughout a normal day. He asked if I meant a good or bad day. I told him I wanted to know both.
The good days only about six or seven times.
The bad days sometimes it's over twenty times.
Am I the only one that doesn't see it until I sit down and start feeling pathetic after sex or fucking myself with toys?!?!?!?!?!
I mean we have an open relationship not because he wants to go out an have sex with other girls, but so I can if I want/need to! He even said if I got a boyfriend on the side he might become a little jealous but it would take some of the pressure off of him.
Something has got to give!
God, right now I really hate myself.
19:09 Oct 27 2008
Times Read: 1,010
What do you get for doing the right thing on a browser game?!
You get a pissed off Skizzy who sends out a master message to his whole alliance that tells them there is a hit out on my head!
Nothing like getting zero popped!
Brett damn you! Get the hell home!!!!!!!!!!
17:46 Oct 27 2008
Times Read: 1,014
Oh he must have gotten banned for a long, long time...
His alliance is attacking my THREE villages and I'm sure there are catapults. They're also going after my alliance leader and our wing leader!
They know it was me! Skizzy knows it was me!
I'm waiting for Brett's villages to light up with the incoming attacks, if they go after him!
Travian usx
11:12 Oct 27 2008
Times Read: 1,021
Last night, in a game, I went on a suicide mission with Brett. We attacked another player that is way too strong for us to logically take on.
This player had been sending catapults to our alliance members' villages and was trying to chief the one of them.
I woke up about 12 something to "You've just been attacked. Guess who?" I was pissed. I sent all my offensive troops at him. Brett sent my village reinforcements after getting someone to "cover" his village with reins from their's. He also sent all his offensive troops out.
After my attack landed (I did some damage and some of my troops returned), the guy sent me a message just saying :-)
Prick! So what did I decide to do? I built more defensive troops for my village to try to keep it safe.
And then I started talking to him. I wanted him to spill who the rats are that are reporting to him. I want them gone and farmed to hell and back.
His last line made me paranoid. I turned him in to the multihunter since there is NO block button on that site. I didn't even reply him.
I didn't turn him in because he sent one unit at me or he was taking down alliance members. I reported him because he made me want to hide and cut. I would have blocked him if I could have.
They messaged back saying:
"Hello,
This matter has been attended to."
So me being me and wanting to know if I needed to worry about him contacting me... I went to send reinforcements to him. One whole Imperian. It says he has been banned due to rule violation.
That wasn't my intention. I would have been happy if they told him not to do it again.
I'm hoping he didn't get suspended for good but there is no way for me to find that out.
It does make me feel safer on the game though. The multihunters actually did they're job, unlike last round. I'm going to have to tell the alliance leader today what happened and send her the message.
I'm sorry when someone gets to me so much I'm scratching in my sleep and bring blood... something is wrong.
I need medicine for my anxiety.
Only 25 more days to go until I see the psychiatrist.
Oh and I found someone on the game that is in my own alliance and just as paranoid and nervous as me! I know that isn't a good thing but I have someone who understands where I'm coming from and that means a lot to me!
21:13 Oct 26 2008
Times Read: 1,028
I feel so fuckin' pathetic! It's the first time in months I've stayed home all by myself! Brett took Aurora to Wal-Mart to get diapers and I decided I didn't want to go.
What happens?!?!
I, of course, decide to spend the time cleaning!
I got her bottles done and while gathering up the trash since tomorrow is pick up day for it...
AND I FALL!!!!
I hate my god damn legs giving out all the time! I really fuckin' do!
Wasn't therapy and seeing a doctor for it supposed to make this better? Or am I seriously going to have to see a neurologist?!?!
Of course, I smashed my knee against the thing for the stairs...
Of course, I knocked a whole bunch of things down!
And of fuckin' course my mom came running to check on me.
I hate this. I really fuckin' do!!!!
13:41 Oct 26 2008
Times Read: 1,029
Okay so we stayed home yesterday. We were supposed to go but because of me getting all stressed and everything, Brett decided we were staying in.
We had to deal with the car loan people yesterday... Yeah, that was fun. NOT! She was really nice though, I can say that much.
We have to come up with money now. Yay! On Aurora's real birthday, the 14th, we're going to be dealing with bills and hopefully buying her birthday presents.
I feel like shit though.
Oh and thanks to Brett, I might not get a response from someone on another website that KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS where I'm actually coming from with my anxiety and a couple of other things. He asked him so many questions last night while I was sleeping about this guy's job and where he was and what he has access to and everything else!
I'm really, really pissed at him for this. So the guy took me off of his account as a sitter. Nice, huh? Thanks Brett!
05:46 Oct 25 2008
Times Read: 1,035
I was looking forward to a weekend at home feeling somewhat safe in my own little world working on my workbook and getting things done.
Yeah, right!
Brett's wanting to go to G's birthday party since he's going to be one year old tomorrow. He's Aurora's little boyfriend.
I really don't want to go though but if we do at least I would get to see Shadow. My kitty, kitty, kitty cat!
Tabby is sleeping in Lizzybeth's old box thingy we got her down in Nashville. We both don't mind her using it since Lizzy's gone. She gets along with Aurora really well. And with Brett's second paycheck from his new job, I'm planning on getting her fixed.
I'm trying to look at the good points right now. I need to and I know I do.
And Brett should be able to get off for Aurora's birthday party! Yay! Oh and he should find out on Monday morning what shift he's going to be working.
20:18 Oct 24 2008
Times Read: 1,041
I really want Brett around me right now. Thank god, it's almost time to go get him.
Looks like this is the second time that any thoughts I have of suicide or the like have been hit head on by someone else attempting it.
I guess everyone else has the guts I just don't seem to have.
I don't know whether to say thank you or I hate you. I don't think I'll ever know.
I'm leaving to get Brett.
Hey love, message me. I'm too chickenshit to message you hun and I'm sorry for that. And I think you will know it's you I'm talking about. If not, I love you... *smiles*
15:33 Oct 24 2008
Times Read: 1,049
Brett and I talked last night about the problem "we" are having with sex. I use we loosely because we both think they we're the problem. I blame myself and he blames himself. So I came up with an idea to try to see where the problem is.
This week he's going to give me sex whenever I want it and I'm going to masturbate when I feel the need to do so. I'm going to have two ziplock bags to keep track of this. One is for pennies when him and I have sex and the other is for me masturbating.
For him, he's going to have one. It's the times he has sex with me that he actually wants to.
We need to find the equal ground and I have no clue where it begins. This was the only idea I could come with last night on our way home that would show us if there was a problem and where.
Right now... we both have one penny from last night.
I think we both feel like lab rats! LOL! So let the experiments begin!! LOL!
_______________________________________
On different topics now... Brett got fired about two weeks ago and he started a new job today. I'm trying to keep my mind off of things. I feel like I'm going insane though. I drove him to work and went to therapy trying to follow my routine as close as possible this morning without him.
I'm a nervous wreck is all I can say.
I found out this morning that I'm probably only going to be going to psychical therapy a little bit longer. Yay! More change I'm not able to keep up with.
I'm kind of pissed at my mother right now. She's telling everyone that I'm having a birthday party for Aurora on the 15th because she took it off. She didn't even ask me about it or anything before starting to tell people. If it wasn't for it being for Aurora, I would make sure to be flippin' busy that day! Sad thing is I'm still so tempted too...
I'm going to watch a movie to try to calm down a little. I might write in here a little bit later but I really don't know.
Sex Drive Gone Wild
23:24 Oct 23 2008
Times Read: 1,055
I guess I'm at that horrible point where sex is a problem. Not because I'm not getting any. Not because I don't have a sex drive. Not because there isn't time. God, I wish it was one of those or something else.
It's because I'm addicted and I can't get enough of it. I've admitted to Brett and my therapist that I'm addicted to it. My therapist thinks it's probably a "side effect" of my past and how it effects me now.
I obsess over it.
Sometimes it feels like I have to have it otherwise something bad is going to happen.
I've gotten into fights with Brett over it.
I've thought about cheating on him more then one time because of it.
There's a deal on the table, it's been there from day one with him and we were still an internet relationship...
I can have sex with ANYONE, as long as I tell him I had sex with so and so. It doesn't matter whether it's a man or woman. Just as long as I say something.
I don't want to take the offer. It was one thing having the three-way with me being the V. It's another to bluntly cheat on him and then tell him about it.
All because I feel I need sex.
It's not even the point of me wanting it all the time... most of the time I don't even want it. I need it.
I don't know how to correct this. I don't know where to begin. If it has to do with my past, then can anything really be done? Will it go away as I work through it?
There have been days, yes days where I masturbate at least seven times. I will keep at it until there's blood because I'll feel filthy and dirty and take it out on myself even more.
I have cut myself before because I need something to stop my mind going back to sex.
I need help and honestly, I don't want to talk to anyone about it. I'm too embarrassed to say much of anything to the people who could probably help me.
Today was a smack in the face though. Brett said it all with one blunt statement.
"Sometimes I think you're with me only for the sex."
I don't know what to do anymore. He never had a problem with my sex drive in Nashville.
I just want to hide.
The Book That Could/Can Help Me
04:32 Oct 16 2008
Times Read: 1,083
I got a book that's a workbook today that my therapist suggested I get when I'm ready. I know I'm not ready. We didn't really have the money. But I got it before I chickened out completely and put it off until it was completely forgotten. I've never been this terrified to open a book and read it. But I've never been this hopeful while holding a book either. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get through this workbook. I don't really care. I do want to get through it though. That's my goal right now. I want to get through it. I want to finish it. It doesn't matter to me whether it's months from now or even years from now. I just want to get through it on my own.
I'm thinking of taking the suggestion in the front of the book of having people who I trust, know, and mean something to me sign it with something that will help me. The only problem is that some of those people aren't around here. There's two that I really, really want to sign it. I might ask them to send a note on a piece of paper so I can tape it inside of the book.
I just want something that's not going to let me give up. I also want to get the book that goes along with this workbook... but I don't have the money for that either right now. I'm thinking about asking my mom for the money but getting up the courage to ask is the problem. It's only like $15 for the book but it's money for bills, it can buy baby wipes, it can buy gas, it can buy diapers, it can buy a lot... and I feel bad for spending the $25 on the workbook tonight but I think I needed it.
I need it.
I need hope.
I need to know I'm not crazy.
I need to know it happened.
I need to be able to feel safe.
I just needed this.
I know the bill collectors who are calling aren't going to understand that. I know my mother isn't going to understand it. I know some of the people who read my journal aren't going to understand it.
But I understand it. Brett understands it.
That's enough for me.
The book's name?
It's called "The Courage to Heal: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse" and I'm proud of myself for actually getting it.
________________________________________
The words of a Meanie Mouse (Brett Brett):
________________________________________
*squeak squeak*
The people who really matter stand behind you and will SUPPORT you. Regardless of if you finish this book within the next few weeks, or it takes you 10 years to COMPLETE the book and all the exercises I am still proud of you. Not many people will admit to understanding what you are going through, because they are either in denial or they just don't want to admit that it happens. I love you and I will be waiting there when you finish the book and I will be holding your hand page by page, sometimes probably literally.
*squeak squeak*
The Graveyard Luncheon With Daddy!14:43 Oct 15 2008
Times Read: 1,090
Pictures from the graveyard luncheon with my daddy.
And even though I like this last one, I kind of don't...
These pictures are in no way changed or altered...
This very, very last one is because my mom did not feel comfortable with me leaving my daddy's last name on a site online anywhere.
10:35 Oct 14 2008
Times Read: 1,102
I can't sleep at all. I just keep thinking about yesterday, about the past week, the past months, the past year, and even longer then that. Everything has changed. It keeps on changing before I can even catch up with any of it.
Yesterday was the first day that I've felt like myself. I shaved my legs, painted my fingernails, and even got to put makeup on. I dressed in an outfit that was more Tiffy then anything I've really worn while feeling comfortable in it. We went to the graveyard... Brett, Aurora and me... and we ate lunch with my Daddy. That's something I really miss doing. I used to go eat lunch with him at least twice a week. I miss it. I don't have the gas money right now to even go see him once a month and that gets to me.
I went to my therapy. That was something else. I revealed a lot and it all started from one stated. In the psychiatric ward I overheard them talking about my case and they said I was a textbook example of PTSS. Sad thing is I didn't even know what the initials meant then but I figured it out later. It went to how it effects me in everyday life and also how it effects my relationship with Brett.
It effects me a lot. I know it. I've never learned how to cope with any of it though and I don't know if I even have the courage to now.
I have flashbacks where I don't see Brett as himself. I freak out a lot when he touches me even now. I can't sleep most nights because of the nightmares getting so bad that it feels like everything happened earlier that day. It puts my sex drive into hyper drive and it's probably the reason why I'm addicted to sex in the first place. Hell, I masturbate insanely and feel filthy and guilty for it while doing it. I get angry and end up hitting a scar sometimes on purpose just so I can feel that pain again.
My past effects me a lot.
I've been told to get over it. How do you do that? I see it happening again and again almost every god damn night! How can anyone expect me to just drop it!
The thing that bothers me the most is I doubt it ever happened because all of the denial everyone else has. I doubt myself. I doubt my flashbacks. I doubt everything.
I say things that bite and destroy other people's thoughts and security just because I need the reaction. I need to know it happened. It reassures me I'm not crazy. I know it happened damn it! What's so hard about them admitting it and just saying sorry? I don't want an explanation or anything else! All I want is to know it happened, just some kind of acknowledgment of the whole thing!
The twisted thing is I miss it. I miss it happening. At times I want it back. I want those feelings again. Or maybe I want an excuse to start burning again.
I hate my scars. I really do. But at least I can look at them and be able to reassure myself that it had to happen I got this scar from this or this scar from that. I remember every incident. I remember every time it happened. I can't talk about it. I can't really talk at all but I know it and hold onto the memories.
I want it all to go away and yet for some reason I want it to stay with me. I want Brett to be able to touch me or have sex with me without seeing fear in my eyes and yet at times I hate him because he makes me feel safe. I don't even know if he realizes that or if he does and is another person in the pit of denial.
It was said after my daddy died that he suspected something was happening along with another... I don't believe that. My daddy wasn't one who denied anything. He wouldn't talk about some things but that's different then being in denial. I don't think he would leave his daughter in a situation like the one I had been stuck in. I can't believe that of my daddy. Maybe I'm in denial, I don't know but I'm sure he couldn't have known.
Right now I want to feel pain. I want to cut. I want to do worse. I want to disappear from myself. I want to forget the past but right now, I want to relive it. I feel like I'm horrible just admitting that.
I just want to curl up somewhere and hear my daddy's voice tell me everything's going to be okay. I want him to tell me I can't hurt myself.
I want Jared back here in the valley so I can see him and just curl up with him on a couch watching the little mermaid. He was the first person I let hold me as I cried that was around my age. I love and miss him. He's helped me more then he will ever know.
I want Brett to wake up and for me not to be awake alone for yet another night thinking horrible thoughts. I want to be able to actually think without struggling.
Hell, I want a lot of things! I'm probably never going to get most of them...
00:01 Oct 14 2008
Times Read: 1,107
I had a really rough day. That's all I can really say. I surprisingly did have a good day even though I've been crying and depressed and everything. I've had laughs throughout today. Brett, Aurora and me went to the graveyard and ate lunch with my Daddy. We left him some food and gave him a cigarette. He used to smoke but quit cold turkey one day. I told Brett what the hell he had to deal with Grandma over the weekend. I took pictures of Aurora, Brett and a couple of me... and one of my daddy's marker. I'll upload them tomorrow if I get around to it.
Going to watch a movie and cuddle with a Brett Brett...
10:22 Oct 13 2008
Times Read: 1,123
Here in about an hour and eight minutes is when I left my father. I knew something was wrong that morning. Why didn't I just stay home? I know he's not in pain anymore but that doesn't stop me from just wanting him back. I miss my daddy unbearably even now! I jsut really want to cut right now... hell I'm just trying to calm my breathing down and it's not working
I feel ashamed because this morning I realized I have forgotten what my daddy's voice sounded like. I've forgotten the little things I swore I would never forget. I've forgotten what his hugs felt like. I've just forgotten and I hate myself for it all.
i just hate myself...........
Testing to Rule Out Possibilities
06:08 Oct 09 2008
Times Read: 1,136
I don't even know what really to put here. I woke up a little while ago. I don't feel like I can sleep anymore and my back is killing me. I missed physical therapy on Friday and on Monday because I fell on Thursday yet again. My leg just gave. I went to see my doctor today, well yesterday. He ordered more blood work and an x-ray of my back. Now the kicker, my mom brought up that I might possibly have MS. My legs have been feeling weak and just giving out on me. I've been falling and becoming disoriented in my movements when walking. It's happening more often. If the blood work doesn't show anything, he's sending me to neurologist. My grandpap had MS. The only thing I remember is him dragging his leg. I could always tell it was him coming up the steps to bed because of that leg. That's all I remember about it and how it effected him. I don't know anything much about it. I know it effects the vision for most people. I know that it attacks the nervous system. And I know that it prevents some people from living without pain and not how they wanted to. But I know there are people who learn to cope with it and live normal lives.
All I know is if I do have it, I really need to find my determination. If I can't, I might as well put a gun to my head. I feel like I'm barely living, let alone functioning right now. I don't need this. I don't need something happening to me that everyone prays and hopes I don't have and then turn around the next thing they're saying is it's not the end of the world. Nice of you to wish it's anything but that!
I haven't been getting on here every day. I've been out of it. I haven't wanted to deal with people. I just want to not exist for a little while.
Monday is the anniversary of my daddy's death. It hits hard for about a couple of weeks around this time every year. I have a therapy appointment that day that I'm thinking about canceling. But then, doesn't she need to see me at my worse?
Questioning the Psy. Ward Option
15:11 Oct 03 2008
Times Read: 1,155
A lot is on my mind right now. I have to tell Brett something when he gets home that's going to really, really get to him. Plus some things are going on with some family members that I am concerned about so that's on my mind too.
But the biggest thing on my mind is from yesterday in the therapist's office. She was talking to me about possibly willingly committing myself so I can get on the medicines I need. She asked me six times. She was trying to figure out some other way that it wouldn't come to that but I could on medications without going to stay in the psy. ward. The urgent care won't help me since I have a family doctor. My family doctor doesn't believe in prescribing pills unless their necessary and in his line of expertise. If I go to the emergency room at the hospital during one of my bad episodes, they're going to throw me in the psy. ward anyway... as soon as they hear I want to cut myself, they're going to be looking little things in what I say to believe there is reason to send me away.
I don't want to go! I know that it would help get the medicines prescribed to me quicker and that I really need them badly to even be able to function anymore outside of my house and a couple of other places I feel safe in. But I'm not that damn desperate yet!
How would it even work with Aurora? I would at least be in there for 72 hours. Would mom and grandma be able to watch the whole time that Brett's at work.
That leaves another question of how Brett would handle her without me here. She's used to me being around all the time. She screams when I leave the room most of the time! How would she take me being gone for days?!?
Yet another thing about it, is it worth it? I honestly don't think I'm to the point I need locked up for so many days. I think I can wait until my appointment or at least try to. I think I would actually call the crisis line or the 9 line or something before I would go to the emergency room for all that to go on.
Plus one of the things I remember most about the psy. ward... the trapped feeling and wanting to hurt myself even more. I don't want to ever feel that trapped again. There were cameras everywhere! The only place they couldn't put them was the bathroom. I don't want to do that... I'm already paranoid enough without people watching me around the clock!
I don't want to be away from my Brett Brett and my baby. I know I'll break at that point. I don't go anywhere without at least Brett. I don't even step outside on the porch without him with me over 3/4ths of the time. How would I even handle that?!?!?
I don't want to. I don't want to go. I would rather just stay home like I am doing now then go into one of the psy. wards again...
22:23 Oct 02 2008
Times Read: 1,160
I haven't been really talking to people so I hope no one takes it seriously. I've been doing okay kind a sort of. I haven't been sleeping much. I've been getting one to four hours of sleep a night. I'm really paranoid about so many things, including things on the web. I saw my therapist today. She called the doctor herself and got me an appointment on the 21st with the psychiatrist. She really knows I need some kind of medicine to calm my nerves down. She said I'm having night terrors... where I'm waking up scared, in a cold sweat, and sometimes crying without remembering the dream that caused it. I told her about the really bad episode I had within the last week. About the shower incident, the hair pulling and all that. I don't know what's going to come from all this. I want to think it's going to be positive but right now, it's hard to see that light.
I hate the people that work at the bank that's within Wal-mart. The woman who was handing out pamphlets grabbed my arm as we were walking by to get to the cash register to get out of there because of me starting to get bad. I didn't even see her and I readied to throw a punch at her. She shouldn't have grabbed me.
I'm tired of my mom telling me repeatedly that this is all in my head. I'm the one controlling it and making myself upset. I don't think she realizes that I'm dwelling on it more thanks to her. I'm doubting my sanity more because she tells me those two things whenever I see her. I'm getting tired of it all. I can't do this.
Oh and the good news is we are now number seven on the waiting list to get into the apartments. We seriously need to get higher on that list.
COMMENTS
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StrawberriiXGashes
14:22 Oct 31 2008
I'm soooooooooooo sooooooooo soooooo sorry Tiffy. I really am. Mom just couldn't do it with everything else she had to pay. she was looking forward to getting more in her check.. You don't know just how upset I was when mom said no. I was really upset. I'm sorry.